Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
PANTIES FOUND
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