I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
