You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
