I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
