we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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