I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize