Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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