everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
