hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
