We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
