broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
