Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Help. Why am I so naked?
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