My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
