Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
