She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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