I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
