sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
