: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize