I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
