Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
