I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
