PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
