Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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