i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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