More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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