i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
