I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
