Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
