I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I have aggressive nipples.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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