My sheets look like a crime scene.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
