True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
