Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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