She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
