Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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