i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
