sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
