I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
