i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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