I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
