It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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