After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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