the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
