the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Randomize
