found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
