I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
And then he peed in my hair
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