I can text with my tongue
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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