I think my fart just growled at me.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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