It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
