btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
