Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
