new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
