Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
