I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
