Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
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