I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
