Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Randomize
