i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
