I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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