Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
