I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
