She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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