is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
