dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
