Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
