I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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