Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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