so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
