I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
