how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
She needs sedatives and a leash
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
