I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
