I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
