I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
