nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
