She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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