everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
