Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
