I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
